"I'm Sorry You Are A Weasel" Baby's First Apology

How to Apologize

It seems like an easy thing, to apologize. But yet apologies have been winnowed down from the unmitigated to weasel words.

Here is a handy primer on how to apologize.

Executive summary (presumably because executives are simpletons who can't do any deep reading):

Rule #1: Don't be a weasel.

Apologize quickly

Make your amends in life as quickly as possible. Otherwise, the issue will fester with the aggrieved party, or even with yourself. I once apologized to someone after 20 years. It had been weighing heavily on my mind, but she didn’t even remember the initial problem. What a total waste of my time!

Apologize unreservedly

Everyone has heard that phrase ‘IF I offended you, I apologize’. Have you ever said it?

You have? Well then, fuck you. You already know you have offended someone, they’ve told you so, so there are no ‘if’s’ about it. Yeah, I know it’s in the Bible (Samuel 25:28) but in this case the word of God is wrong. Probably a typo or something. 

Only apologize if you mean it

Don’t apologize because it makes good business sense. Apologize like you mean it, because you do mean it. Otherwise, stand your ground. Don’t be a weasel.

Apologies should be tangible

Learn from your mistakes. Don’t repeat the same mistake again – there are so many in the world to make, find something new to fuck up over.

Take responsibility

Something might not be your doing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t your fault. Step up and seize the opportunity to apologize for something that you could have helped to prevent.

You don’t have to apologize for everything

Causing offense is inevitable, there is someone, somewhere on this planet who will take offense to you saying ‘hello’. I expect I may have offended some people with this post. Be forewarned: I’m unapologetic. Always assess the situation like an adult, and decide if you were wrong, and do the right thing.

Apologies are inevitable

Everybody makes mistakes – both big and small. Make the most of them by apologizing while knowing you are merely human.

Remember: Don’t be a weasel

You’ve already fucked up, don’t compound it.